Monthly Archives: December 2013
The shit they don’t tell you about writing….
Editing.
fucking.
sucks.
I love, love, love, love writing.
LOVE IT. I am at the heart of me – a storyteller. Point blank. People have always identified me as an artist (which is true!) because that’s the obvious answer : She likes to draw, she likes to create, she’s an artist!
But that’s not the truth. I do draw, and create. And I’m pretty damn good at it, and I rather enjoy it…..but that is means to an end. I draw, because it’s an easy, straight forward way to convey what’s in my head.
I tried freelancing, and I wanted to shoot myself in the foot. Or stab that damn pencil right through my eye. Or hand….because at least that meant I had a legit reason to NOT do this horrid ass piece that I utterly hate…..oh, no, wait. I’ve already been paid….and that money already spent. so there IS NO BACKING OUT,
It was a prison. A horrible, bleak, tormenting prison full of horrid ideology and bad taste…..I kept on thinking to myself : shouldn’t this be the ultimate dream? Getting *paid* to do what you love ? Making a living (sorta) doing art?? Then it turned into guilt because If I was a *real* artist, shouldn’t I love doing art no matter what??
And maybe for many people that’s true, and for many other legit artists it’s not true, and everything in between. But those questions made me stop and think. And then I realized : No. I’m not an artist. I’m a storyteller.
It didn’t matter WHAT on earth I was writing about, I could get lost in it. I could get stuck in it. I could research for hours, and just clack away for hours and lose track of time completely, and come out with something in the end that was compelling, and impressive, and made people think, and made me shine and gleam and giddy with pride.
It didn’t matter WHAT it was. I loved it. I loved it. I loved it….
*that* is what I could do, no matter what, and be happy. That is what made me so happy about my art : it was *my* art. I loved drawing for *me* not for other people, because what I drew was still a story – it was just a visual story. It was still compelling, and emotional, they were characters – they were worlds – they were artifacts and relics of a vision of a feeling of a time, and they drew a breath and life of their own…..because they were a story. Someone’s disgusting idea for a logo is not a story. It could be. But it never was, because clients are retarded horrible things that have no idea what they want, except for the fact that it will be uninspired, uncreative, wretched bad taste and chock full of cliche and cliche after cliche. Which is hard to turn it into a story. Even though it *should* be a story : it should be their story, of their venture. But…nope….
That’s what killed it. And then I realized – I could never, ever, do that…ever again. That was the wrong plan. That was the wrong goal. That’s why I was so miserable, that’s why I could never make any money, because I avoided commissions like the plague. I would never search them out – I would wait for them to come to me. Which was enough to scrape by….but I wasn’t *active* in that path. I just sat and waited, and cringed when something came along, and trudged through it just because I knew we had bills to pay.
That is horrid. That is miserable. Don’t ever – EVER do that!
So I stopped, and I started focussing 100% back on my writing again…….which I had taken a long break from to try to ‘pay the bills’ just making myself miserable. I quit my job. Got a new, regular “day job” with regular hours, and regular pay – nothing thrilling or exciting, but nothing horrible or miserable. I like it, I enjoy it, I have freedom with it. Which meant I could focus on *my* stuff too, and still have time with the family. Things moved along slowly, but surely – as they still are now. And life. is. so. happy.
I bitch a lot. I complain a lot. I’m a rambler, and a venter, and a ….well, a story teller! So I have a lot of nothing to say – a lot. All the time.
But truth be told : life is fucking awesome. I am lucky. I haven’t hit it big, so to speak, but that’s alright. I’m making it – *and* i get to do what i love, and if I just keep at then, then I know I will ‘hit it big’ whatever my big may be, and it’ll all be worth it.
And that’s the beautiful dream, the awesome inspirational soul searching that everyone hopes for when they pack up and move out to the big city, or graduate college, or whatever your milestone is.
…..but they don’t tell you about fucking editing.
Sure, they do. But not what you think. I mean, of course – everyone *knows* you that editing and revisions come with the job. That’s par for the course…..but no one actually tells you: You’re gonna wanna shoot yourself in the foot. Or stab yourself in the eye. Or the hand, because then you’d have a legit excuse as to why you cant type. Oh, no but wait! They have that stupid Dragon program now, so you don’t have a reason to need your hand….
So much procrastination. So much lack of motivation, but it’s absolutely horrible. But, strangely – even though it’s all the exact same things I hated about freelance arting…..my soul isn’t dying every time I do it. It’s a different type of hate, it’s a different type of misery. It’s turned into from just pure torture, to a labor of love.
But god damn it. I fucking hate it. I get so excited about my story – I get so thrilled, and giddy like a lil child when Things develop a certain way that I didn’t necessarily see coming – it just all fell into place. Its unbelievable when that happens! And the world is awesome, and life is awesome and everything is Awesome!!!
……oh. No. Wait……..i don’t get to continue on just yet, because I have to get through THIS shit first.
uuuuhhhhhhgggggggggg.
Or maybe I’d like to draw and illustration to the book today, omg, that scene when this happened would be so epic!
….oh. No. Wait…….I can’t do that, because I have to finish THIS shit before I take a break.
uuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhggggggggggggggggg.
Plus, throw in there the fact that 1 – I’m dyslexic and 2 – cant spell for shit. I don’t even know if I’m doing it right! wtf is that word? What did I mean to say there? Do I even know how to spell that? I don’t know how to spell that…..but it’s so wrong that Google doesn’t even have a suggestion. Wtf is that? What did I do ??
And that’s just one line. Also, because I’m lucky to type really…..really….fast. My dyslexic brain can’t keep up, so sometimes I skip entire sentences….entire lines….sometimes whole thoughts in paragraphs because everything gets jumbled and my brain literally cant keep up with my hands so it just skips forward to where it thinks it needs to be. And that also means on the other hand, my hands type so fucking fast that they just basically transcribe every second of random thought that flies through my brain. So sometimes I just jump off on a tangent somewhere, and I have no idea what point I was trying to get across because I just…skipped past it onto a totally different thought.
what??
What is that? where did it come from?
Where did that other thing go? Oh, no clue? Me neither…
And I pretty much have to start that all over because I don’t even know what I was trying to do there. And then I get confused, and then I lose my mojo, and then I get un-excited, and then I end up wanting netflix instead of this crap, and then I end up procrastinating this crap while thinking very hard about that movie I’ve been waiting to watch for three weeks, and then I have to go pee, and then when I come back I decide it’s an awesome time for a snack, and then I need something to veg too while I snack, so then I turn on the tv and
HOLY FUCK. I’m late picking up Sky.
Where’d the day go ??
and then there goes all my productivity time for the day….and then my brain just kind goes
“….meh…” *shrugs* because I didn’t *really* wanna do that anyway, so no biggie.
But then later when you open up your file and realize that nothing has changed in 2 weeks, you hate yourself. You utterly hate yourself,
I’m such a lazy bitch, what the fuck am I doing with my life, nothing will ever happen if I don’t make it happen – beat yourself up, bully-coach break down motivational crap, get psyched up, I’m gonna do this – no matter what, I’m just gonna tough it out and do it!
*open up file*
……..uuuhhhhhhhhhhgggggg.
Ooo. There’s a House marathon on….
PS. I’m very excited that ‘i hate editing’ is such a popular tag, that all I had to type in was ‘i h’.
Yes.
I do not like extremists.
I don’t like extremists.
Of anything.
Point blank.
Doesn’t matter if I actually *agree* with what you’re standing for……..as soon as you cross that line. Done. Because I do not like extremists. Extremists take EVERYTHING way too far, way out of context, and 9 times out of 10 completely undermine their entire point and cause by their extremity. Which then turns them into complete hypocrites. Which brings me my next 2 points.
I do not like hypocrites.
I do -not- believe the end justifies the means.
The end has become a moot point if you go against everything you stand for just to get there. Not only does that further the two points above, but it’s also just plain retarded.
Point 4. I do not like stupid people.
Now that I’ve gotten the platform set, time for my *real* point:
I believe in equality. For everyone. No exceptions. End. Of. Story.
Believing in that, whole heartedly, means something different than what people first think. This means, regardless of your own personal belief of one specific thing or another, that you believe everyone shares the same respect: Including those you do not agree with.
You follow that?
Including those you do not agree with.
This means, I play Devil’s Adovocate a lot. Because I believe, whole heartedly, in equality. For everyone. No exceptions.
Including the people I do not agree with. Because they are not somehow exempt from that rule, just because they have an opinion that varies from my own.
This gets me in a lot of trouble sometimes, because I have discovered it is *extremely* hard for people to separate the concepts of *support* and *approval*.
You can support someone and not agree with them.
You can love some one, and not agree with them.
You can love some one, and not love their *actions*.
The list could go on and on and on. And some people understand that. Some people will read that and a light bulb will click and know instantly where I’m about to go with this. Others may read that and think they understand, but don’t, at all. Others may read that and think they get it, or understand it theoretically, and just cannot execute that theory or understanding in day to day life. It’s fine, no ones perfect, but let me explain to you what that actually means:
You do not get to infringe on someone else’s rights, for the sake of your own.
You do not get to judge others for their beliefs, but then demand not to be judged for your own.
This applies to many different aspects of life that happens all. the. time. But what has triggered it today: Duck Dynasty. Stop reading now if you don’t want to hear it – you know who you are. If I have triggered your curiosity, or riled up your fight mode as either is possible. Go for it, but do not blame me afterwards. I will not blame you ;P.
This is where the extremists come in.
I believe in EQUALITY. FOR EVERYONE. I will never, ever, say otherwise, or believe otherwise, or act otherwise.
But I do NOT support the LGBT org or GLAAD. Now stop, right there for one second. Let me make this perfectly clear before it gets contorted otherwise : I am not against lesbians, or gays, or bisexuals, or transgenders…or asexuals, or transvestites, or drag queens, or mosaics, hermaphrodites, duals or chemerics or anything else in between for that matter. I’m talking about the specific organizations, and specifically the extreme members of said organizations only. But Why on earth you just gasped outloud. They stand for everything that is the physical representation of equality!!
No. They don’t. That is what they say their focus is, but every last bit of their actions say the complete opposite. They are extremists. And everything they do is filled with hate, prejudice and judgemental, bitter, spiteful vengeance and it launched at any slightest person who happens to be of a different mindframe than them.
That.
Is.
Not.
OK.
Not even when you’ve been hurt. I understand you’re hurt. I understand it’s not fair. I understand all the hate, and prejudice, and judgement, and spite, and bitterness that has been launched at you. I understand why you would feel the same way. I’ve been there too – for different reasons – but I have absolutely been there too. That does not mean you get to do the same thing to other people. You, out of everyone opposing you, should understand EXACTLY how that feels and just WHY –NO ONE- should do that to any other person.
Does no one on earth remember “two wrongs don’t make a right” ?
Anyone? Am I all that’s left??
Just because someone doesn’t support your lifestyle does not mean they are out-right attacking you. Just because someones faith has taught them not to condone something you happen to believe in, or support, does not mean they have done something hateful or hurtful.Just because they do not agree, or do not support you or your lifestyle also does not mean they are discriminating against you. It means they disagree. Opposition does not immediately equal discrimination. People in this world believe different things. It’s the beauty of life. And guess what that means? It means you do not have to agree with them either. But that does not mean attacking or slandering them just because you happen to disagree.
That also does not mean cutting everyone out of your life that may or may not agree with them, or you.
What are you going to end up with….what are you going to do with life if you exclude anyone who does not agree with everything you do, or happens to just not jump to arms to the same things you do?
For all the open-minded modernizing everyone likes to preach about – that’s an incredibly closed-minded way of living.
Let me clear some things up.
I read the original article. I read – in context – what was said.
He did not compare homosexuals or homosexuality to bestiality or equate homosexuality to being promiscuous.
He happened to list homosexuality as one of the things he considered sinful.
he *also* listed the others things as *also* being sinful.
He did not equate anyone of them to each other.
They just all happened to be compiled as things he considered sinful.
He did not say homosexuality is the same as bestiality. As, literally, dozens of articles will lead you to believe.
He did not say homosexuals are promiscuous, or that homosexuality is the same as being promiscuous, as- again – literally dozens of articles will lead you to believe.
That is just what you wanted to hear. And so you did. And now you are flaming him for things he never even said.
That makes you just as wrong.
End of story.
to clear the air too : chik-fil-a & salvation army ALSO does not hate gays, nor do they refuse service to gays. I have, first hand, witnessed proof of the exact opposite.
The one thing they ALL *did* happen to say is that they believe in traditional marriage, and do not support a homosexual lifestyle.
As does the astounding majority of all Christians, Jews and Muslims.
that does NOT mean they are effectively, or directly, hurting anyone, forcing anything upon anyone, discriminating against anyone, hate-mongering or otherwise. that does not mean that *none* of them are doing these things….I mean….there are the Westboro people. So, of course there are those horrible, evil people in the world, but those people exist in ALL beliefs and faiths and cultures. And just because someone does not agree with you, or something you do, or something you believe in does NOT mean they are one of those evil people.
It means they don’t agree with you.
If you act on otherwise, it means you are one of those evil people. Because now you are continuing the cycle of hate in the exact same manner that you *claim* to be against.
This was the subject of today’s rant – but these same principles apply to race, religion, class, politics and even something as stupid as sports teams.
Stop it already. Learn how to coexist and stop pointing the finger at everyone, or being hyper-sensitive to EVERYTHING tiny ass little thing, and accept that there are going to be differences in life, and face the simple and easiest facts that we all just need to hate Westboro Baptist together in Unison, and blame them for everything……because it’s probably true.
That is a completely constructive way to channel all your emotions.
The Christmas Tree and the Dregs of Winter
In the olde faiths, the Irish Celts (and much of their brethren) would light candles and lanterns and hang them in the trees to illuminate their path and spirits through the Dregs of Winter – the 12 darkest days of the year leading up to the Winter Solstice – And in memoriam, as a Vigil, to the spirits of the Earth that dwindled and died in the bleak Winter Months.
The Solstice itself culminated the Dregs of Winter, and was celebrated not only because it marked their end, but also the return of the Light beginning the waxing of daylight hours towards the Summer Solstice.
Because of this, the Solstice was celebrated with many rites, rituals, feasts and celebrations. They would light all the previous candles and lanterns lit through the dregs, in honour of the returning light – and would garland the trees with sweet treats, heady foods, and lush offerings to the Gods to bless them for the upcoming year, and to ensure the return of light, life, fertility to the lands and abundant harvests for the growing seasons that laid ahead, and the rebirth of the Land and Earth that had been slumbering through the season.
They would do this as they believed the spirits of the Earth and the Gods lived in the Trees, and by placing the blessings and offerings in the trees, they would be handed directly to the Gods and Spirits of the Earth themselves.
As time went by, and the New Faith spread across the lands, and crossed the Sea to the Isles, the faiths became mingled. As the Celts did not fear or resent change as many people do – they accepted it, and honoured it. They were very easily converted to the New Faith because of this acceptance to change, and their easy and willing natures to grow and evolve as Time and Earth ever does – but because they were also a people of great respect, pride and integrity – They never, completely, let go of their olde ways or beliefs, and continued to observe certain sacred traditions and rituals, integrating them together with their new Faith, growing and evolving them both into something new – something unified together. Just as is their nature, until eventually we forgot about the Yule tides of the Northmen and their relative Tribes, or the Festival of Lights of the Gauls and Galacians, or the Midwinter rites of the insular tribes of Celts, from Goidelic, Manx, Picts and Brythons.
Until these were all blended together with the new reigning faith, and as their empire grew they adopted it and defined it as their own, and slowly over years and years of exaggeration with new tradition built ontop of new tradition it has grown into modern times – but nonetheless, we are all each tied to our distant past in a least expected way.
Each time you decorate your christmas tree.
I’m a pagan – who hates pagans.
This is the time of year I get most offended…..by everyone….from all sides. And it seems to be coming full-force, a hell of a lot early this year (or at least, a more steady – constant stream of it this year)
Before I go on, I feel like I need to explain some things so I don’t sound like a complete ass, although it’s inevitable.
I am a pagan. I’m not your run-o-the-mill umbrella term pagan, I am a very educated, self-aware, specific type of pagan.
I am an Irish Celt (the pre-christian kind celt that is). I consider myself a traditionalist, in truth and sincere honesty. No – I am absolutely NOT a witch, and nothing related to. No – I am absolutely NOT a wiccan, and nothing whatsoever related to. No, I am not a Druid, because a druid is much more than just a believer. I am exactly what I said I am, and nothing different than that. And no, this is not open to your personal interpretation of semantics.
Why am I so specific about what *exact* type of pagan I am, and why do I follow a traditional path?
Because I am a pagan who hates pagans.
In the sense that – I hate *neo* pagans, modern pagans, and the hodge-podge crap that has spewn forth from their ignorant creations.
I am sick to death of giant umbrealla Pagan “denominations”, organizations or “covens” that think that if you happen to not be a christian, or happen to be some type of animist, or happen to believe in magick, that somehow that means you’re automatically a “pagan” and that somehow that means all pagans are the same, and interchangeable, and that ALSO means it’s synonimous with the words “wiccan” and “witch”.
I hate them for the same reason I hate these Decaturite busy bodies and moms. You’ll only get that if you live in Atlanta……..but if you live in Atlanta, and have ever made an expedition to Decatur and Buckhead to observe the horrible upper-middle class monstrousity of women (and sometimes men, but sadly mostly the women) then you know *exactly* what that means.
I hate ignorance, stupidity, lies and self-righteousness, no matter what form it comes in or from whom. I just. hate. them.
Unfortunately, it’s been a growing trend -as far as I’ve been witnessing – over the past several years that the Pagan community is slowly becoming less sheepish, and secretive……and as part of their coming out, apparently, is breeding a thriving community of exactly all the things I hate. And it is frustrating, embarrassing, disappointing, and purely angering.
I’ve grown up my whole life having to learn how to cope, dodge, and overcome these exact same things – only from the outside. I was never a ‘normal’ child, as far as religious teachings go. My family is Irish – and country. Religion plays a -huge- factor in family, and life in general.
We were forced to go to church, and bible school. Even though I was too young to get it, really, even then I knew this wasn’t the place i was supposed to be. Of course, if you ask my mom – that’s not true. Children don’t think that way, I was too young to know what I was doing, or what I wanted.
Yes – partly – but there’s also that part of children that is just pure instincts, that people should absolutely listen to instead of just ignore it or shrug it off as ‘they’re just kids’. Children have more intuition than adults. And I just knew something wasn’t meshing right for me. Not in general – but for me.
My mother’s disbelief of that, and disapproval, is just one more stepping stone of life. I’ve been kicked out of places, called endless amounts of names, forced to remove jewelry or items of clothing, oppressed into not celebrating holidays, or singing certain songs, even was fired from a job. Religious discrimination ! you shout and scream, which yes. It is. But fighting it is a very different story. For those who are unfamiliar, the legal clause that protects religious freedoms and liberties are only applicable to those religions *federally recognized* as religious organizations. And guess whose religion is not federally recognized?
yup.
So, legally – it’s not religious discrimination at all, when what they are discriminating against *isn’t* a religion.
Bet ya didn’t know that. I didn’t either. Lots of what you think are you’re natural rights actually come with stipulations.
Even so recent as last holiday season, I was yelled at by one of my customers at work to turn off the music that was playing because it was “heathen” music and was shameful, offensive and inappropriate for the “Spirit and sanctity of the season”. The music that, just so happened to be playing on a random compilation played on ‘shuffle’ that she was referring to was celtic music. Not even celtic pagan music. Just regular ol’ – completely instrumental – celtic flutes, harp, fiddle and drums.
She refused to pay until I turned it off.
So after growing up, learning many hard life lessons of the world and how unequal it truely is; having to deal with all of this from the outside world, I sure as fuck don’t need to take it from my own people.
Or who *think* they’re my people.
It is hard living a life as I do, because I have learned over the years a very hard truth:
The Pagan Community is more hateful, judgmental, ignorant, and alienating than any outside source.
Because for people like me – not only are you generally looked over from the outside world because of the simple fact that you don’t fall into the 3 majorly accepted religions (or really, 2 accepted religions after 9/11) but you are also shunned from your fellows because you’re not the *right* kind of pagan.
Because, apparently, there are extremely strict guidelines of what it means to be a pagan these days – and if you happen to disagree with one of these “Facts” or do not support a widely praised, or followed networks – you are a fake. Or a pretender.
This is a lonely path. I knew that when I first fought my mom one Sunday morning, when I yelled at her that I didn’t want to go to church with Gramma anymore. I knew that when I started learning more and more of what actually *did* make sense to me. I knew that when I made the decission officially, and when I went behind my mom’s back to learn from my brothers – who supposedly didn’t exsist. It was ground into me even more when they had to leave, and I continued on my own – and opened even more doors that were even more guarded.
I knew what it meant.
I guess I just never thought it would be *completely* alone. I thought there would be someone to bump into somewhere down the road, and exchange scraps here and there and pass on to someone, or to receive from someone else, tid bits here and there of what they learned and what they knew, and could each take that back with us on our own way.
But no – it’s not like that at all, and not because it *has* to be like that, it’s like that just purely because of the complete utter closed-mindedness of the community…..that they are completely oblivious too, because of course, ask any pagan – they’ll slather you with how open, and enlightened they are towards all people…..
Sadly, it’s just a lie.