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The Humonculous

A disappointing read

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Gods & Fighting Men – Lady Gregory

though I have read most of the tales dozens of times over, I had always wanted to read this collection. I was excited to start, but after weeks of scattered reading I finally had to give it up. This is such a disorganized rendering of these tales I just couldn’t follow it – and that’s saying a lot for someone who *already knows these tales*. I don’t know if it was the fact that I was reading it via ereader – as i’ve found it is much, much harder for me to follow, and retain via an ereader than an actual book, or if it was a combination of that and the language. I just found this so scattered and incohesive, with over exaggerated language, usage and run on sentences that cover half a dozen topics / people/ places all in one thought process that span entire paragraphs and excerpts. This is just plain bad writing. There are hundreds upon hundreds of stories or anthologies written in this same era, and earlier, that retain their original language paired with romanticized lyricism that are beautiful and amazing works of visionary word. I feel like this is what she was trying to capture, but did not fully understand it – and therefor left the collection empty, hard to navigate, and just plainly confusing and hard to read. Perhaps one day I will pick up a hard copy of this book, and try again with a physical copy in hand. Perhaps that will make all the difference in the world…but until then, absolutely no. I cannot finish this. It is not worth the time nor the headache, especially when there are so many other wonderful presentation of these tales.

Read this review in Goodreads

The Humonculous

Rape of Thrones….not so much.

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Rape of Thrones….not so much.

Sunday night’s episode of Game Of Thrones took an even darker turn than usual: Jaime Lannister, who has transitioned from one of the story’s villains to one of its heroes, takes the opportunity of his son’s death to rape his sister and lover, Cersei—in the Westerosi equivalent of a church, while Jof

Today’s musings is based around this latest fire-storm of idiot controversy.    There have been a million and one articles about this since…well….as soon as it aired, and many of them take slightly different takes on what happened. 

But this in article in particular is going to by my subject for this debate.

“Why are the game of thrones showrunners rewriting the books into misogyny?”

That line, right there, tells me everything that is wrong with this article. And in a time span that seems to be overburdened with in-your-face womens’ activism, it’s really tiring to see the stretch people try to make just to be offended. 

If you are unfamiliar, or just don’t care to take the time to read the article, they are discussing an incident that happened in this past Sunday night’s episode, “Breaking Chains”, of Game of Thrones.  And this author, in particular, uses a basis of the book-to-show comparison to argue her debate of rape. 

My issues with this article, is I’m not entirely so sure that this writer actually saw the show….Or is, perhaps, just incredibly bad at reading people.  or perhaps just stretching some interpretations for the sake of argument and offense. 

I watched the show. In my opinion, as far as the GoT franchise has gone – this was quite a boring episode that was simply an obligatory necessity to get from one plot point to another. Nothing happened. Nothing. So I guess this was the biggest “shock” of the show, and if you have to write about something, this scene must be the one to write about. 

A slam at the showrunners, though, for turning the story into misogyny is pushing the bar a bit far, and unfairly. Nobody needs to turn the story misogynistic – it does that all on it’s own. It’s a part of the greater world that Martin has built in these books. It can be a dark, cold, uncaring world, and the struggle and turmoil to survive and stay on top for both women – and men. So the idea that writers / producers are intentionally trying to turn a gender bias is, I’m sorry, just a load of crap in my book.  Let’s not fail to mention here that Martin is an *integral* part of the Show’s production, and has written several episodes screenplays himself. And further interpretations, reinterpretations or so on, in the end, has his sign of approval to be done to his work. Maybe not as nitty gritty as signing off on ever line of script, or edit, or tweak – but on the grande scale of things, he has given allowance for such edits and changes. And while it is his story, frankly, he can do whatever the hell he wants with it. Regardless of it’s true to his books or not.  Stories change, all the time, and characters grow and evolve just like real live people in the flesh. It’s the organic nature of being a story teller, and seeing his works and his characters come to life on set / screen may have given him a new take on their personalities, or hearing feedback from a new broader fanbase, and the team working on the show, may have also opened his eyes to new takes he hadn’t previously thought of. 

So frankly, get over the changes. To put it blunt, and stop trying to blame people for turning the characters one way or another. If you have an issue with an element of the story or plot, then if anyone, point the fingers at Martin – because he has laid all the groundwork for interpretation here.  Everyone is going to see things in a different light, based upon their own personal experiences, but you can’t see what hasn’t been given to you, and there’s one person who gave you that frame work to interpret : Martin. Not the showrunners. They are just interpreting it in their way – just as every single reader interpreted in *their* own way as well. 

Now let’s move on to the actual rape itself.

There wasn’t any.

Did *you* watch the show?? Did I just miss something entirely?? Because, yes, I’ll give it to the writer of this article that it was a much darker, more volatile and emotional scene than in the books…..but. If I can be entirely frank here – the scene in the book was porn. That’s it. It was porn, and it was as flat and cheesy and horribly scripted as any corny porn movie.  I am sorry to those Martin worshippers out there that I’m sure I just made faint at the blasphemy of such words to be spoken, but it’s the honest truth. I enjoy the story, but I do not think Martin is all that his die-hards make him out to be. And even if he were a God to the written word….he is in fact, only human, and therefore not going to be perfect. NO ONE can be 100%, 100% of the time. Nobody. There will be times his writing is awesome….and there will be times where he writes cheesey porn. Just sayin….

SO, yes. It was a different take on the book. It was not as straight-forward raunchy inappropriateness. But, again, did you watch the episode?  She did protest – as she *also* did in the book scene – She protested with much more emotion in the episode, but at the same time, the show portrayed the entire scene in a much more believable way. Emotions were high, and conflicting, and confusing. Imagine yourself in Cersei’s shoes. Wouldn’t you be a bit screwed up in the head too? Not taking into account that she has to be screwed up in the head to be as cold, murderous, and incestual – just ignore all that for just a moment, and look at just the scene. Her son is dead. He had *just* died, and had been murdered cruelly. She knew he was horrible, but it’s also her baby. So there must be conflicting emotions there, a sense of relief, but also of hate and anger and rage and sorrow that her child has been taken away from her, guilt and anger at herself for feeling relief. She looks for comfort in the man that she loves, but is still at the same time this his happening when her anger and bitterness towards him was high. So now she wants to love the man she loves, but is also hurt and abandoned. And that’s just looking at what is going on *right now* not everything else that has happened to this woman throughout the entire story up to this point. SO YES. I think any person under those circumstances is entitled to some contradicting statements / actions. That is far more real, and relatable, and believable as a story than how it was portrayed in the book. 

As far the act of rape itself – Yes, she protests…..and then proceeds to help him out of his pants.  She says no, no, not like this, and begins sobbing….and then pulls him in to kiss him. She is actively protesting (by words) but then telling him she wants it (through actions)  …..just. exactly. as. in. the. book.  Just much more emotionally charged than the book. WHICH IS WARRANTED.

Am I the only one who saw this ? Was everyone else just skimming between gapped fingers? Or did they simply choose to ignore those moments? 

And getting onto the Dany / Drogo dilemma. Again, I find the interpretation much more true-to-life (as much as it can be, being a fantasy world) and much more believable. I do not think a 13 / 14 girl being sold off for the sake of her far more abusive, controlling brother’s benefit would have acted the way portrayed in the book. At all. I find a terrified child, overwhelmed with everything that’s going on around her that she has no control over, breaking down, and crying, and acting as a scared 14 year olde girl would is far more believable, and relatable. ALSO – it was also not rape. It was not necessarily what she wanted, but it was also not necessarily what she did not want. She was a scared child, with no control over her own life. She not once ever said no, or stop – she knew what was happening, she knew what the deal was, she knew she was being married off, she knew it would have to be consumated. And she went along with it. Do you think porn stars or prostitues always want to have sex? I’m sure they don’t – but they do it anyway because, whatever their reasoning is.  Are there times when I am *really* not in the mood to have sex, but still do it anyway because I take my husband into consideration instead of thinking only about myself? Absolutely. Is any of this rape?? Fuck no.  Wanting it is not the same as consent. Consent is not synonymous with want. She may have been scared. She may not have wanted it – but she agreed to it.  That’s the catch. She did not object.  And PS – the scene where he asked “no?” is in the TV show.  It just continues on longer he asks “No?” then states is as “No.”  then shakes his head “No.” then looks at her, wipes a tear from her eye, and says “No.”  This was not written as him taunting her, this was written as in him saying don’t be scared, do not cry. But, when you are trying to portray a wedding of a child to a full grown man, who have completely polar opposite of culture, and speak not a lick of each other’s language – this is a very true to form way to portray it on television. …..not quite the cold-hearted rapist they want you to believe the show is portraying. 

And when you look at the comparison, it is really not *that* far off from the books as well. It’s all in the matter of interpretation, and I’m sorry to get all the Martin-lover knickers in a twitch. but I prefer the way they portrayed it in the show, because of that realism they brought to it. 

So, in the end to each their own; we are all going to see something different in both book, and show –  but don’t slaughter someone’s reputation over your own personal distastes when you might not have considered the story from all angles. That’s all I’m really getting at here. 

The Humonculous

In a funk

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I’m having issues getting past a writing funk. Everything was going good, and going strong – and it felt really good, and then it all just hit a brick wall. 

I’m not quite sure what to do to get the muses going again. 

Should I just not worry about taking an extended break from it ?

Should I do more research to try to jump it back into action ?

Should I read some to get my head away from it, but still stay in a fantasy-mindset. ?

The Humonculous

Late to the bandwagon…

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SO. 

I’ve finally started reading Game of Thrones.  Yes yes,  I know, I hear you. I’ve been a bit busy, ok?

But anyhoo – Yes, I’ve finally started legitimately reading it….and….

I’m not really liking it so far :/  

I haven’t gotten far enough in to really have any say-so over the story or plot line itself…..but the writing??

not my favorite writing. 

I get irritated at the overly abundant “he said”

“she said”  "said so-n-so insert adjective" “So-n-so said”  after. 

every.

single.

god damn.

line.

DUDE. if you have to repeatedly tell me 20 times who said what when you only have SO many people talking…….somethings wrong.  -OR- when you have to REPEATEDLY tell me who said what when to whom because you have THAT many people talking at once – maybe you just shouldn’t have so many people talking at one time??  Or maybe you should set up your scenes better so we can tell who would be saying what when without having to blatantly spell it out like a first-grade picture book so many god damn times. 

This is incredibly frustrating, and it’s really disappointing because I have enjoyed the show so much – and I really *want* to like it. 

Plus, everyone, e v e r y o n e  told me ‘oh, if you like crown of stars, you should read a song of ice and fire – you’ll love it!’  really got me way too psyched up for this, because holy shit – *I LOVE CROWN OF STARS* 

so I was all ready to be sucked into another plethora-long series of epic fantasy awesomeness.

On a side note though, it makes me feel a lot better about my own writing, because I don’t feel so different, or so inexperienced or like what I’m writing is actually so horrible ;p

I’m going to keep on going and see if the writing style eases up enough for me to actually get into it. I would hate not being able to get into a good story just because of some writing quirks 

The Humonculous

Why is this a ‘pagan community’ mess?

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I’ve read a whole lot the past couple days all about the turmoil that is hitting the pagan community.

I don’t know, maybe I am just way too disconnected from the ‘pagan community’ as a whole. – Something I do not like to refer to anyway, as I don’t believe there is one so called, all encompassing pagan community, because there are just way too man pagans to umbrella into one fucking community – but whatever. 

Especially when ‘pagan community’ really means wiccan community – or vague pagan beliefs that are wicca-related. 

BUT. that is not my rant for the day. Today’s rant is about the tragedy of Kenny Klein. 

I’ll be honest – I had to google who the hell he even was. Which is pretty sad, because for such a pronounced member of the community – so everyone is saying – I should have at least heard of him before now. I hadn’t. Not even through HuffPost, which I read……way too much. Still, have -never- heard of him.

My question is. WHY. Why is this a tragedy to the pagan community? Why does this have to involve the pagan community at all?  A sick man was arrested, a sick man was arrested who also happened to be a photographer- which his hobby / indy career as a photographer was far more relevant to the arrest than his pagan association. So why, at the most, was it not a tragedy to the photography community if anything ?? Or why not to the Huff? OR Llewellyn?? Why does it have to be a pagan issue? anything could have made sense, but that’s not what everyone is going on and on about. Nope. It’s alllllll about how he’s a pagan. And then the explosive back-lash of “how to be safe in the community”. Article after article detailing predators in pagan circles or covens, and how to protect yourself.

WHY

dear gods above why.

what the fuck.

Why does it have to be specifically categorized out as a special threat to the pagan community? Why is it an ‘extra’ precaution being taken to pagans?  Everyone blasting that boundaries are important and that abuse is not ok no matter where the setting – if that is true, then why do we need to come outright and say that blatantly? If abuse is not ok, then we shouldn’t have to tell people that it’s not ok. 

Why can it not simply be “there are fucked up people out there – be careful no matter where you are”  

There could be a predator at your child’s school. There could be one living down the street form you. There could be one at the grocery store, at the mall, on the fucking bus. ANYWHERE. Why do we have to target ourselves as being singled out?  This is NOT an issue of the pagan community, this is an issue no matter what your creed, religion, practices, background, what have you. 

There have been dozens of serial killers, serial rapists, pedophiles and then some of all sorts of creeds – Especially christianity (just by statistical basis that christianity is still a majority) so every time one of these things happens is there an outcry in the christian society about the travesty that has affected their community??? No. Why? because people don’t view it as a “christian” issue that one person is demented. It’s a simple cut-and-dry issue of X man is fucking demented, end of story. So why is it different for us? why does this have to be turned into a pagan issue? 

It is not.  

There was a person, who had a hidden life, who turned out to have some serious mental issues. Who, on a side note, also happened to be pagan…..That is where it stops. 

You are only making us look worse by turning it into an issue that it does not have to be. 

If someone robs a store, are we going to turn to the fact that “gang violence” has become a community issue?  No. You are purposely and unnecessarily associating yourself with something horrid. You keep on making a huge deal out of it, or making a point to raise awareness, then people WILL start to believe that this is something that is prevalent in our society, or stems from our beliefs, or that somewhere in some circle this is condoned. 

Stop it.

The Humonculous

Procrastination station

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So. I get distracted easily, so I have been trying to make a conscious effort lately to stay away from these websites. Save for random lil bursts of spamming articles and memes on facebook – typically through my phone as of late, as I hate that stupid app that never cooperates no matter how many times it updates, so it helps to keep my FB brain oozage to a minimum.  SO. because of that, I have not been able to rant about my current goings-on. 

1-Work progresses awesomely, if not tediously. But such is the nature of the beast. 

2-dude. Oak Island. is my new history channel obsession. Too bad last night was the last episode of the season, because dammit. 

3-I think i’m going to micro-bake these potatoes because I just realized how badly i want to eat them since they’re sitting right in front of my face now.

4-Star child ancient aliens. (IE the one that aired just his past friday). 

I have a deep and complicated love-hate relationship with Ancient Aliens. I fucking love this show. I fucking love it. But I hate just about everything they have to say, because it’s such backwards, hog-washed bullshit to me. And duh, yes, I get it – it’s an absolute biased show, so of course you’re going to get only one side of the story. But sometimes I just want to throw shit at the tv screen and de-pouf Giorgios hair, and crush David Childress’s trachea to the point where he can no longer pronounce “i” and “o” as the same glottal / uvular / nasal phonetic whatthefuckever invention of his. 

If the concept of ALIENS is such a dumbfoundedly simple and rational explanation to these people, then why the fuck is the concept of gods or deferentiated genetics so laughable ? I don’t understand. To me, it’s all a matter of semantics. Extraterrestrial litterally means not of this earth. wtf is a god/deity/angel etc. etc. etc.?  An ‘otherworldly being’ which also, literally, means = not of this earth. Potayto – Potahto. Your talking about the same god damn thing. So why must you be so smug and condescending about Gods ? 

AND AND AND. 

OK. here’s my thing. I do not believe humans are made up of one species. I do not. I never, ever have. Logic just begs to differ with the idea that as humans, we are all the exact same species. I think the concept of race and genetics goes a lot deeper than just making up skin colour, eye colour, hair type and bone structure. There’s significance to the fact that different races have different genetic codes, different genetic codes have different dna strands. And the last time I checked, according to science and genetics, different genes and dna strands = different species. But for some reason that same logic doesn’t apply to humans? I never bought it. Now, I’m buying the fact we’re all in the same genus. That’s more difficult to dispute, but I don’t buy we’re all the same species. If this were the case, I can’t logically wrap my brain around why certain races are prone to certain ailments more so than others, or why certain diseases *only* affect a specific race, and not others, or why people of a certain race are more aptly built for speed, or sight, or intuitivity  etc etc etc the list goes on and on and on. Not to mention, they *know* different types of ‘humans’ did exist, and existed together, or at least at overlapping times. And more recently they discovered, that they didn’t just die-out like previously thought, but that there is evidence to show that they probably interbred with each other. Creating yet a knew species, cross bred between other existing ones. So, why, now, to we think we’re immune to such truths? I don’t. I don’t think so at all. This is one reason I never believed in the ‘genetic eve’ discussion, or the out of africa theory (that was largely pushed because of the genetic eve).  I just don’t. I think there are a lot of different origin points, from different species of hominid, that have built a woven fabric of humans today.

This is where we get back to the Star-child episode here : Because to me, all these discoveries or theories of “Star-Children” don’t immediately scream. omg, ALIENS!!!! to me. They stand out, to me, as proof of something that I have been suspecting for a long time – and the more and more they dig up, the more and more it just feels like “seeee, told ya..”  And I’m sorry, don’t they always say “The simpliest answer is usually the correct one”   They idea of natural, gradual evolution and cross-breed seems like a far more logical, and simpler, explanation than Aliens secretly abducting and inseminating our women, to produce prodigies on a incoherent mission to better humanity through their otherworldly gifts, and then covering the whole thing up in future-CIA-spy fashion to…what ? Watch and see what we do? This theory concludes one of two things : 1 – they legitimately want to help us or 2 – we’re just a science experiment.  If 1 were true, I feel like there’s a lot more they could do then send down half-breed rape babies to both help us, and build their point. and if 2 were true, well in all honestly that is the more likely scenario, but I just refuse to believe my purpose here in this universe is all for naught than some Alien statistics. Sorry, that is a really morbid, cryptic and pathetic way to look at your life, and I cannot believe that – on top of which just comes that gut instinct of ‘bullshit’ that makes me scoff real pompously. And, as previously discussed, I tend to go with my gut instinct on things. It has yet to lead me wrong

.

.

So. YUP. That’s what’s been up with me lately.

have fun!

The Humonculous

My head hurts…

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I know pretty much everything there is to know about my story. Of course, duh – it’s my story. I’m the creator, I’m the writer, I’m the inventor of this world……but it’s not quite so simple.

It’s a much bigger issue when you’re creating a world based around, or inspired by things that already exist in this world today, or in literature and mythology. Generally speaking – my story is *inspired by* not *based on*. Which is a big, big difference, so I can pretty much go where I want to take it and be done with it. Because inspiration in nifty like that – you take one idea that sparks another idea and just run with it, rather than trying to retell something that’s been told a hundred times. But, that being said – it is important to me to keep some things true  – or, well…as true as they can truthfully be.

which in the celtic legends…….is. really. fucking. hard.

x_x

really hard. 

there’s about a thousand different versions of -every- tale out there. And even more *interpretations* for each one of those versions. Theres endless debates of who’s really who – if so n so is the same person as other so n so, or if they just HAPPEN to have the same name and lived around the same time (which sounds stupid, sure, but then tell me how many “Tom"s you think there are out there? Yea. Point made. They’re probably not all talking about the same person)  But for whatever reason X individual is a fact nazi and assumes everything ever mentioned about so n so HAS to be the same person (why? how does this make any logical sense?)  then Y individual is a history nazi who thinks – If this is what is says, then this is what it HAS to be! even though said literature wasnt written til centuries upon centuries after so n so supposedly lived…..so how do we have any idea if this "history” is accurate? What if they just made shit up as they went along? Or what happens if something is so blatantly off it doesn’t make any slack bit o sense? 

Nope.

There’s no reasoning with any -one- of these types of people. None of them. 

SOOOOO. 

Here’s my summary:  I have read ungodly amounts of information about everything of everything there is to do with Celtic Ireland. I have read the sssaaaaammmmmeeeeeee stories ungodly amounts of times …..with them being different every single one of those times. And let me say one thing to you – – no one agrees with each other. No one. Way more than half of those stories don’t make a shit bit of sense. So i have taken everything that I’ve read – and followed my gut, of what *I* feel, in my own opinion, my *heart* and *instincts* and *soul*….and common sense …. tells me makes sense, and what feels right. What feels true.  Human kind has been taught to rely too much on technology and science, and reason, and analytic judgement and have totally forgotten we do, indeed, have instincts, and intuition. And we have them for a reason, and really – more often than not – if we just shut up and listen to them, they;re usually almost always right.

So that is what I did.

And that is what I’m using to base my stories around.

And I’m standing by that. End. Of. Story.

So everyone else who likes to have their own opinion of shit – congratulations! You have every right.

And so do I. 🙂

So go suck a nut somewhere, I don’t care.

<3 

The Humonculous

I am not a Feminist.

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Today’s rant stems from an Article I read about a group trying to push for women’s right to go topless in certain particular situations (IE at the beach, working out, hot summer days etc) just as men have the right to do.

OK. I’m not going to get into exactly why I think this is absolutely retarded, and is nothing more than a bunch of emo dick-haters deciding to get angry about something simply for the fact of having something to be angry about….

Today’s rant is solely on the generalized fact of feminism as a whole.

and how I absolutely, by any means, at all a Feminist.

How could you possibly say that?

Well, because look at them….They’re fighting for “women’s rights”, all the while giving women an absolutely shitty name.

Women are cunts, women are never satisfied, all women are secretly lesbians, women are man-bashers, women are man-haters, the list continues on and on and on……and I have heard every single one of these, and more, in my own personal experience.

Truthfully, most of them – on the regular – by my own husband (certainly not limited to him though) 

How do I never ever get angry ? 

Because He’s kinda got a point. 

Feminists are cunts. Righteous Cunts, and frankly, I care not to be associated with them because I think I’m a pretty damn awesome woman, who is only a cunt when provoked to be one, am very easily satisfied, is not a lesbian at all (even in secret) and am sick and damn tired of being accused of one simply because I have a vagina and have friends who also have vaginas, and also sick and damn tired of lesbians claiming they can “turn me” Naw, bitch, ya can’t because I like dick, and balls, and testosterone, and body hair, and you don’t have all of that ~naturally~ anyhow. Just, no. And, I also to happen to NOT hate men. At all. In the Slightest. I happen to love men, and do not agree with the hateful anti-male propaganda that feminists like to wave around everywhere. You want to bitch about sexism?? Now you’re contributing to it, ya cunt ass hypcrocrites!!

Which bring’s me around to my next point, of which I have covered previously in such rantings :

I don’t like hypocrites. 

I don’t like extremists.

Feminists are *both*.

And that brings me around to my last real point I have to make on this. Feminism is defined as :  "collection of movements and ideologies aimed at defining, establishing, and defending equal political, economic, and social rights for women.“

So, really – I guess, to me, feminism is sheerly irrelevant in my entire life, because I have absolute no use or need to ‘define, stablish or defend” any part of my rights because I have never. -EVER- in my entire exsistence up to this point have EVER been deprived of such rights.

Ever.

I don’t know where all you people live, maybe you just need to move somewhere else. Or maybe you just need to find a job that isn’t run by sexists. Or stop putting yourselves in situations where you have to associate with such people. I don’t know – I really have no understanding of this concept, because I have never lived in a world with this such prejudice.

I have been a victim of a lot in life dealing with religion, culture, class, race. .  . never gender. Ever.

I am also bred from a culture that does not understand such concepts.At all. 

Celts had queens, women warriors, goddesses, chiefs, warlords, messengers, poets, landholders, etc. etc. etc. 

Women ruled and went off to war and were as reckless as men.

Men stayed home and tended to domestic life, and were as homely as women were. 

There were no such things as “gender roles” in their life style. Likewise, there were no set, rigid defined laws of class. Anyone – absolutely ANYONE could rise from any stations. Slaves could be freed of their bonds and become common civilians. Said civilians could rise to become masters as their accomplishments were recognized, masters could rise to become noblemen, and one could rise to become king, even, because to the Celts, they could *elect* their king. Yes, an heir was named – but if someone objected, they could nominate someone else, and then those who opposed could also rise to challenge such nominees and then the people of a tuathe could *choose* their king from such challengers /nominees. Also, they has regular counsels. 

And to be fair, the same rules applied to the upper class. ANYONE could fall from their station, and have to start all over again. But they were not utterly damned for it without any chance of redemption. They simply had to start fresh, again, and *earn* their place. 

And this was all done in an “uncivilized” time by a bunch of “barbarians”….right.

There is an awful lot of honour, valor, dignity, respect – etc etc etc that comes with the making of a true Celt. This is the culture I am sprung from, this is my blood, these are the type of people I have come to know and associate with. This type of culture and environment breeds strength, confidence, respect and wisdom. 

And when you have that combination, it’s undeniable. It commands respect…not *demands* it. So, perhaps that is why I just don’t understand. Because I am a woman who will always have respect. Just because, I am that type of woman.

Maybe you need to look at yourself, honestly and harshly, and figure out what it is about *you* that makes *you* incapable of getting what you want, instead of pointing the finger to others.

So you have fun, little girls, with your picket lines and protest posters and all your incessant bitching and whining and griping….with practically no results. Because perhaps the problem isn’t the world around you, perhaps it is *the world you have created for yourself.*

The Humonculous

The shit they don’t tell you about writing….

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Editing.

fucking.

sucks.

I love, love, love, love writing. 

LOVE IT. I am at the heart of me – a storyteller. Point blank. People have always identified me as an artist (which is true!)  because that’s the obvious answer :  She likes to draw, she likes to create, she’s an artist!

But that’s not the truth.  I do draw, and create. And I’m pretty damn good at it, and I rather enjoy it…..but that is means to an end. I draw, because it’s an easy, straight forward way to convey what’s in my head. 

I tried freelancing, and I wanted to shoot myself in the foot. Or stab that damn pencil right through my eye. Or hand….because at least that meant I had a legit reason to NOT do this horrid ass piece that I utterly hate…..oh, no, wait. I’ve already been paid….and that money already spent. so there IS NO BACKING OUT, 

It was a prison. A horrible, bleak, tormenting prison full of horrid ideology and bad taste…..I kept on thinking to myself : shouldn’t this be the ultimate dream?  Getting *paid* to do what you love ? Making a living (sorta) doing art?? Then it turned into guilt because If I was a *real* artist, shouldn’t I love doing art no matter what??

And maybe for many people that’s true, and for many other legit artists it’s not true, and everything in between. But those questions made me stop and think. And then I realized :  No. I’m not an artist.  I’m a storyteller. 

It didn’t matter WHAT on earth I was writing about, I could get lost in it. I could get stuck in it. I could research for hours, and just clack away for hours and lose track of time completely, and come out with something in the end that was compelling, and impressive, and made people think, and made me shine and gleam and giddy with pride. 

It didn’t matter WHAT it was. I loved it. I loved it. I loved it….

*that* is what I could do, no matter what, and be happy. That is what made me so happy about my art : it was *my* art. I loved drawing for *me* not for other people, because what I drew was still a story – it was just a visual story. It was still compelling, and emotional, they were characters – they were worlds – they were artifacts and relics of a vision of a feeling of a time, and they drew a breath and life of their own…..because they were a story.  Someone’s disgusting idea for a logo is not a story. It could be. But it never was, because clients are retarded horrible things that have no idea what they want, except for the fact that it will be uninspired, uncreative, wretched bad taste and chock full of cliche and cliche after cliche. Which is hard to turn it into a story. Even though it *should* be a story : it should be their story, of their venture. But…nope….

That’s what killed it. And then I realized – I could never, ever, do that…ever again.  That was the wrong plan. That was the wrong goal. That’s why I was so miserable, that’s why I could never make any money, because I avoided commissions like the plague. I would never search them out – I would wait for them to come to me. Which was enough to scrape by….but I wasn’t *active* in that path. I just sat and waited, and cringed when something came along, and trudged through it just because I knew we had bills to pay.

That is horrid. That is miserable. Don’t ever – EVER do that!

So I stopped, and I started focussing 100% back on my writing again…….which I had taken a long break from to try to ‘pay the bills’ just making myself miserable. I quit my job. Got a new, regular “day job” with regular hours, and regular pay – nothing thrilling or exciting, but nothing horrible or miserable. I like it, I enjoy it, I have freedom with it. Which meant I could focus on *my* stuff too, and still have time with the family. Things moved along slowly, but surely – as they still are now. And life. is. so. happy.

I bitch a lot. I complain a lot. I’m a rambler, and a venter, and a ….well, a story teller! So I have a lot of nothing to say – a lot. All the time. 

But truth be told : life is fucking awesome. I am lucky. I haven’t hit it big, so to speak, but that’s alright. I’m making it – *and* i get to do what i love, and if I just keep at then, then I know I will ‘hit it big’ whatever my big may be, and it’ll all be worth it.

And that’s the beautiful dream, the awesome inspirational soul searching that everyone hopes for when they pack up and move out to the big city, or graduate college, or whatever your milestone is. 

…..but they don’t tell you about fucking editing.

Sure, they do. But not what you think. I mean, of course – everyone *knows* you that editing and revisions come with the job. That’s par for the course…..but no one actually tells you: You’re gonna wanna shoot yourself in the foot. Or stab yourself in the eye. Or the hand, because then you’d have a legit excuse as to why you cant type. Oh, no but wait! They have that stupid Dragon program now, so you don’t have a reason to need your hand….

So much procrastination. So much lack of motivation, but it’s absolutely horrible. But, strangely – even though it’s all the exact same things I hated about freelance arting…..my soul isn’t dying every time I do it. It’s a different type of hate, it’s a different type of misery. It’s turned into from just pure torture, to a labor of love.

But god damn it. I fucking hate it. I get so excited about my story – I get so thrilled, and giddy like a lil child when Things develop a certain way that I didn’t necessarily see coming – it just all fell into place. Its unbelievable when that happens! And the world is awesome, and life is awesome and everything is Awesome!!!

……oh. No. Wait……..i don’t get to continue on just yet, because I have to get through THIS shit first.

uuuuhhhhhhgggggggggg.

Or maybe I’d like to draw and illustration to the book today, omg, that scene when this happened would be so epic!

….oh. No. Wait…….I can’t do that, because I have to finish THIS shit before I take a break.

uuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhggggggggggggggggg.

Plus, throw in there the fact that 1 – I’m dyslexic and 2 – cant spell for shit. I don’t even know if I’m doing it right! wtf is that word? What did I mean to say there? Do I even know how to spell that? I don’t know how to spell that…..but it’s so wrong that Google doesn’t even have a suggestion. Wtf is that? What did I do ??

And that’s just one line. Also, because I’m lucky to type really…..really….fast. My dyslexic brain can’t keep up, so sometimes I skip entire sentences….entire lines….sometimes whole thoughts in paragraphs because everything gets jumbled and my brain literally cant keep up with my hands so it just skips forward to where it thinks it needs to be. And that also means on the other hand, my hands type so fucking fast that they just basically transcribe every second of random thought that flies through my brain. So sometimes I just jump off on a tangent somewhere, and I have no idea what point I was trying to get across because I just…skipped past it onto a totally different thought.

what??

What is that? where did it come from?

Where did that other thing go?  Oh, no clue? Me neither…

And I pretty much have to start that all over because I don’t even know what I was trying to do there. And then I get confused, and then I lose my mojo, and then I get un-excited, and then I end up wanting netflix instead of this crap, and then I end up procrastinating this crap while thinking very hard about that movie I’ve been waiting to watch for three weeks, and then I have to go pee, and then when  I come back I decide it’s an awesome time for a snack, and then I need something to veg too while I snack, so then I turn on the tv and 

HOLY FUCK. I’m late picking up Sky.

Where’d the day go ??

and then there goes all my productivity time for the day….and then my brain just kind goes

“….meh…” *shrugs*  because I didn’t *really* wanna do that anyway, so no biggie.

But then later when you open up your file and realize that nothing has changed in 2 weeks, you hate yourself. You utterly hate yourself, 

I’m such a lazy bitch, what the fuck am I doing with my life, nothing will ever happen if I don’t make it happen – beat yourself up, bully-coach break down motivational crap, get psyched up, I’m gonna do this – no matter what, I’m just gonna tough it out and do it! 

*open up file* 

……..uuuhhhhhhhhhhgggggg.

Ooo. There’s a House marathon on….

PS. I’m very excited that ‘i hate editing’ is such a popular tag, that all I had to type in was ‘i h’. 

Yes.